Biking, Adulting, and Other Things I Should Have Been Doing Before Now

Bikes Are Magical

When you go running, you are acutely aware you are working out the entire time. You can feel every aching step, your poor lungs begging for you to stop. However, when you're on a bike, a strange thing occurs. You're still working out and you may end up out of breath. But no matter how hard you have to work, there's still an overall feeling of "woooohoooooo, I'm on a biiiiiiiiiiike!!!!!" you had in your childhood. Even when you wake up the next morning to discover certain pelvic bones are aching in new and interesting ways, it's still fun. 

I haven't been able to practice driving a lot, mostly because the weather has been rainy. And if I'm super nervous driving in perfect daylight on a nice day, I do not yet trust myself on a darker, rainy day. But I did realize I wasn't quite as relieved at not being able to practice driving as I'd been in the past (although I still wasn't that heartbroken) So there's that. But the weather has turned nicer today, so I may be trying again. 

I began looking at a couple sources on how to be published and I realized a couple things. 

A. People will demand unholy amounts of money just for advice on how to do a thing. 

B. I may be rushing into this. 

As getting published is one of my New Year's Resolutions, the idea would be to at least send it to a publisher by the end of the year. While that's still a decent goal to set, I've decided to relax a bit on the obsession. Most authors don't come into their stride until their mid-twenties (with the exceptions like Christopher Paolini) or thirties. I don't intend on waiting that long, but I got to pull back a bit. Get some more editors to read it, but focus on other things in the meantime. 

Next month is another Camp NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The official month is in November, but they have "camps" in April and July. The point of NaNo is to write. You set a goal, such as 50,000 words, to finish by the end of the month. This was a boon to me. I finished my time travel manuscript due to last July's camp and another literary piece in November. And as I am never without a partial draft, next month I will be continuing a medieval fantasy piece I started a couple months ago. It's already ten of thousands of words in, but I've been wanting to make a longer book. There are apparently people (*cough* Dad *cough*) that prefer their books to be longer...like over 400 pages. My longest is still sitting at 250, so I'm going to go for a longer plot. And this one is gonna be good. Plenty of assassination attempts and war. 

Getting healthier is going well. I went to a church event (strange for someone of my beliefs, I now. But in my defense dinner was free...and it was walking tacos) and one of the little old ladies just gushed over how well I looked. I know it was probably just the LoLs of a Baptist church being themselves (seriously, they make you feel like a rockstar for just showing up) but it made my night.

I suppose there may be something different about me lately, because I feel different. For the first time in my life, I'm regularly buying my own grocery items and other major purchases. I'm actually doing things I've always put off before. I'm voluntarily waking up early (8:30 may not be early for some of you, but for someone who used to regularly sleep in till noon, this is impressive) and going out and doing things. I'm walking to places instead of asking for rides. I'm actually learning the art of texting people back in a decent manner. I feel like...well, not an adult. But like...adult-ish. Adult adjacent. Like I still call my parents for help when crap hits the fan, but I'll try a couple things to fix it first. And that, my friends, is growth.   

Dale Earnhardt Sr. Is Rolling Over in His Grave Right Now

Next Month

I turn 23. And I still do not have a driver's license. But today I began the steps to change that, being my father's ride to Walmart. My father, who made a joke about how his life insurance was paid up in case I killed him. I wasn't sure whether or not he thought of the fact that I had been of legal driving age for nearly SEVEN YEARS and I was only just now taking a serious interest in it (aside from the multiple times I had to take the permit test...but after a certain point, that was just a matter of pride). At one point he said "well you wanted to do this" to which I replied "no, I need to do this. I don't want to learn this at all." 

Which is something that is apparently strange for my age. So many people are desperate to have cars. And while the independence could be nice, I just don't see how "amazeballs" it is.....I also don't see how "amazeballs" became a thing. But I've found I enjoy taking a walk to the store. Even if I was to get my own car (I would love to own a Prius) I would probably still opt for avoiding driving when possible. Less gas money, less danger, and less need for focus. 

I will give my father this much: he did take my driving anxiety into account somewhat. It's weird for me, as I'm not a naturally anxious person, to be so freaked out over something. And saying "you're fine" and "you're okay" over and over may not be the funnest activity you can do sitting shotgun (I prefer an All Time Low dance party myself) but it's a necessity. When literally everything makes you nervous, like "what if I drive off the road?" "oh god, I'm gonna hit that biker", and "why can't we just bring back horse-drawn carriages?" (Seriously though, how else am I supposed to run off to Gretna Green to elope if I don't have a carriage window to look out of?)

But we went to Walmart, and did a giant circle on country roads without dying. Although the jerkface known as my father figured out I was nervous about left turns and roundabouts. So naturally we had to do just that. With plenty of jerky forward motions, overly sharp turns, and drifting toward the curbs, I can say that I will never become the next feminist icon by kicking NASCAR ass. But one day I might be able to actually get myself places without having to ask for a ride.

I Did A Thing

I Made a Promise

...mostly to myself. I promised myself that when the weather was warmer, I would do two things: start running and begin learning how to drive. Well the last few days have been absurdly nice and it promises to stick around for a few days (but nothing beyond that) so I'm left to hold myself to my promises. 

The first was the running. I had heard of an app called "Zombies, Run" that was supposed to make running more interesting. You essentially have two apps running at once (which can kill your phone battery, but whatever). There's whatever you're using to play music, right now I'm on a Pandora Station until I can figure a way to use the music I have on my phone, and there's the actual Zombie app. Then at random points, the other "survivors" of the fictional zombie apocalypse will come over the "radio" to  give you an update on where the zombies are behind you or to give you encouragement. (I have to admit, hearing a "wow, look at them go" does wonders). There's an entire storyline behind it. For example, you learn that the runner that died before you was in love with the radio operator. [insert sad face] 

But if there's one thing I've learned from all my attempts at working out, it's that those fitness gurus that tell you "you'll feel great!" are LIARS. Yeah, it'll feel good eventually....after weeks of "death by heart disease sounds pretty good right about now". My calves were burning, my chest was constricted. And it just about overall sucked. So it speaks volumes that I'm actually willing to do it again tomorrow. 

Also tomorrow, I've talked to my dad about practicing driving. It wont be my first time behind the wheel, but at this point it'll be basically like I'm starting over. And when I say that this is a big deal for me, I'm not white-girl-exaggerating. I do not like the concept of being behind the wheel of a machine capable of taking human life. I am spacey and day-dreamy. And before someone replies with "just pay attention" or "just concentrate", let me say that those phrases do literally nothing and are no help. I have been cursed/blessed with a wandering mind for the past nearly-23 years of my life. I have been hit by cars (at very low speeds) because of daydreaming. Someone has screamed right behind me and I, sans-headphones, did not even hear them. If saying things like "focus" suddenly snapped me back to reality, then my imagination would really not be that impressive. 

But driving is a skill I can't really justify being without entirely, even if I hope against hope that I will live in a major city with public transit. So I'm going to face my anxiety-inducing, "fuck, I'm gonna end up on the news tonight" fears for the chance that I might be able to go somewhere without bothering someone for a ride. And those fears are when I know the person sitting shot gun. I don't even wanna think about the driving test.  

I don't know if this is a blog or a journal anymore.

In Like A Lamb...Or is it a Lion?

March is here! And with it, the realization that I have not been keeping up to date with this blog nearly enough. The local community college's musical has been well underway and shows have a way of sapping energy from you, even from the rest of your day. The matinee (a term which normally refers to an early afternoon show that was used today meaning "have fun getting up before 7 am") was this morning and I spent the rest of the day in sort of a dazed fog, mostly daydreaming and philosophical thoughts. I have come to one conclusion though: I'm scared. 

I have used the excuse that I am waiting on my amateur editors to send my story in to a publisher and that is the truth (which is ironic, since I have mentioned this before and I know that a lot of them read this...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). But it's a convenient excuse nonetheless. Now I know this is nothing new. People have been afraid to show their work to the world since the first Neanderthal tried to explain fire to his loin-cloth clad comrades. But there's a reason for it, not the least of which is the process. Where should I even begin in searching for a publisher? What if the agent I'm interested in specializes in only one genre and I want to publish in multiple? Will I have to find more than one? Can you even legally do that? But more important than all that: what if what I wrote just isn't good enough? What if I am just not good enough? 

Yes, I know people are going to comment and tell me "Oh, of course you're good! You're amazing!!" And it's not that I don't love those comments. And I do believe the friends and family that have read my work are intelligent and discerning. But there's no accounting for bias. The fact of the matter is, for all that you who are related to and/or friends with me, you're never going to be truly as harsh as someone who doesn't know me at all. An agent, a publisher, an editor...they don't have a reason to speak any more highly of my work than it justly deserves. 

So how am I supposed to discern this for myself? Do I pester and irk those who volunteered to be editors and hope they show as little bias as possible? Do I find some random forum site to post the story and hope it isn't torn apart by trolls or becomes viral and makes the actual purchase of the book a moot point? Do I try to find other writers and pray that they're own ego doesn't make them look down on my work? Or do I trust my own mind, a fickle place speckled with neurosis that has so rarely been able to focus on one story long enough to create it entirely?

I have dreamed of becoming an author since I was 10. To learn in my 20s that I'm just not good enough would be destruction of a decade. A decade of imagining the covers, the signings, the best-seller lists. A decade of writing and rewriting, brainstorming and frantic, excited typing. To actually put the weird ideas that have gone around my head for so long in front of an expert is an incredible gamble: risk the destruction of the dream for the chance that it might come true. There's a part of me that wonders if the bet isn't better left unmade.  

Why Resolutions Fail

Baby Steps

This is about the time of year when people begin giving up on their resolutions in droves. I have done a lot of thinking about this fact and I think I've come up with some major reasons as to why people abandon all their grandiose goals not 1/6 of the way through the year. 

The first is all about change. This is the same reason political revolutions fail. If something was quick in changing, it will be quick in changing back. If you're overhauling your entire lifestyle (or overthrowing an entire government, I don't know what you do in your spare time) 9 times out of 10, you'll end up right where you started.

For instance, look at yo-yo dieting. Someone decides they want to lose as much weight as possible in as little time as possible, so they overhaul their entire eating habits. It normally leads to hunger and intense cravings (I don't care how many female-targeted diet brands say they can curb your late night cravings. When mama wants some chocolate at 11 pm, your granola bar's not gonna cut it) that then lead to losing the diet entirely. In most cases, people who go on these extreme diet programs will gain back all the weight they lost (lookin' at you, Kirstie Alley) and in a lot of cases, gain even more. 

Gradual change, however, lasts longer. By steadily eating slightly smaller amounts, you can actually decrease the size of your stomach. Still go for your normal snack routine, but switch to healthier alternatives. If you want something crunchy, go for carrots. If you want something sweet, go for fruit. Trade in white bread for wheat. Get a medium instead of a large. One day you'll look back and realize you actually have a healthy lifestyle and you can't remember exactly how it happened. 

Another reason I've noticed people fail is they have a sort of "perfection or bust" mentality. They want to go to the gym on a strict schedule. The first few times they can't make it, they give up the endeavor entirely. Which is asinine, as perfection is impossible. You're going to get sick, have a hectic schedule, or just forget to work out.Imagine if we took that mentality with other things in our life. Say the first time the supervisor at work had to discuss something with you that you were doing wrong (apparently at Target you can't tell people walking into your lane you're about to go on break even though NO ON PAYS ATTENTION TO THE LIGHTS ABOVE THE REGISTERS). Since you weren't doing it perfectly, your response is to quit the job entirely. Or say a student in school got a bad grade on a test and their response was to drop out of school and ride the rails as a hobo. It sounds stupid when put in those contexts, yet breaking down and having a soda (which I have not done...yet) seems to be excuse enough to return to caffeine-guzzling habits. The solution isn't to give up and wait till next year. Just take some Nyquil to beat the cold, rework your schedule, make a note. Get back to the gym the next day. Drink more water. 

 A third reason I've seen so many people fail to change is because they seem to relegate changes in lifestyle to being a strictly New Years Resolution thing. People thought it was strange that I began my resolutions before New Years. What would have been the point in waiting? It wasn't like the dead days of the holidays had magical "calories don't count" properties (but seriously, how awesome would it be if they did?). I decided I wanted to change for the better, so I started right away. And just because it's February doesn't mean it's the wrong time to change your lifestyle. My sister is making another attempt to quit smoking. As the girl who had to repeatedly leave the concert venue to stand outside so she could indulge in the habit, I wholeheartedly support this decision. Whatever, wherever, whenever the urge to shake things up for the better hits you, go for it. 

Today we have learned 

(Alternatively titled: "And so what we have learned applies to our lives today")

Beaucoup brownie points if you get that reference. 

A. You are not going to completely change yourself overnight. If you try, you're setting yourself up for failure. 

B. Short term failure is not an excuse to give up long term goals. 

C. Any time is a great time to make a better you. 

Happy February Resolutions Everybody!

The Beauty of Habits

21 Days

There's the old belief that it takes only 21 days to break yourself a habit or instill a new habit into your lifestyle. Now this may or may not be true (and I may or may not have given up on reading the articles discussing it out of boredom) but the idea behind it is true. If you work hard enough to instill new habits in your life, sooner or later they take off with you. 

Tonight after pit rehearsal (and a surprising dizzy spell, but I couldn't very well pass out in front of the same band director twice) my mom asked if I wanted to stop for a drink. In the old days of last year, my thoughts would have immediately jumped to "oooh, yes, Dr. Pepper". Instead it turned into "yeah, I could go for a Powerade. Now sports drinks may not be that much better for you, but it does prove one nice fact: I have broken my inherit cravings for soft drinks. I do not longingly stare at the bottles behind the glass at the gas station. I don't sigh when I see the "3 for $12" sale at Walmart. And I believe my wallet thanks me for that. 

The best part about habits is that you don't break them by skipping them for a day. True, I've skipped the morning workout more than once over the course of this month and a half. Some days it's for valid reasons. Other days...well I found out that I am not wholly capable of convincing myself to do as much as I should be. But the next day I always pick it up again. The other day I put on a pair of pants I used to avoid wearing as it was incredible tight around the thighs. But I realized they're not as tight. It's a small victory, but I was Z-snapping my way through that day. 

The not habitual things are a bit harder to keep up with. I haven't touched the story in a while (partially because I'm STILL WAITING ON PEOPLE TO GET BACK TO ME WITH COMMENTS) but I try to keep it in my thoughts. Fortunately for me, it is the beginning of a series that I have gigantic plans for so I'm always thinking about it. And tonight I finally began the formatting process to get the manuscript to novel standard. It is a marvelous process that makes your original manuscript much longer. It's actually over 250 pages now. Not bad for a manuscript written in a month and a half.  

I also finished yet another book for the reading challenge. It was "The Mammoth Book of Zombie Comics". And I learned two things. A. - It is not smart to read horror while you're laying on the floor of your bedroom (I swear to Zeus I was scared to look up because I knew I would be in-sight of the space under my bed). B -  There is still pleasure in finishing a book regardless of what kind of book it is.

Nearly halfway through the second month of the year and the New Year's resolutions are still going strong. At least...the ones I've started already. Is there such a thing as "March Resolutions"?

The Stupidity of Calling the Other Side Stupid: A Note on Facebook Politics

It has arrived.

A dreaded month. The only holiday is reserved for people in relationships (a fact which would make the original St. Valentine weep, but that is a discussion for another day) and spring is still several weeks out. Admittedly I have not stayed true to my workout as I would like. The workout was skipped a couple days and I seem to be struggling to wake up at 8:30 am. I still have few shifts a week, which leaves me fairly bored. I finished 4 books in one month (although the Shel Silverstein was an easy read) and have a couple more picked out besides.

I could go on about other things in regard to my resolutions (apparently I make incredibly shippable characters) but I would rather wax a bit philosophical. The Iowa caucus is tonight. People are working on what candidate to support as I speak, so naturally it's in the front of my mind. And there's one particularly thing I've noticed. People are stupid. Not for their political views. But because they equate political views with intelligence. 

These days Facebook is filled with jokes and memes that mock the opposite side's intelligence. Republicans are idiots that don't understand climate change or the first amendment. Democrats are idiots that don't understand economics or the second amendment. Sanders is a communist. Trump is a fascist. The Democrats apologizers will be our downfall. The Republican bible thumpers will lead us into a new dark age. 

All of that is stupid. 

I'll admit to sharing my own comics mocking Republican stances, but lately I've seen how it comes across from the other side. If you share those things or say those things, you don't look like an intelligent social observer. You look narrow-minded. You look like you can't handle the other side's argument. In short, you look unintelligent. Mocking someone's stance has never been an effective tool for changing their mind. If anything, it convinces them they're in the right.

Do you have to agree with the other side? Of course not. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But never equate opinions with intelligence. Just use the golden rule. If you don't want someone to call you a anti-abortion bigot, don't call them a baby killer. If you don't want someone to call you a lazy-ass welfare recipient, don't call someone a greedy capitalist pig. There's a difference between an attack and returning fire. If you can't handle the war, don't fire the first shot.